Friday, 14 June 2013

Another Baby

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What do you do when you are gently led to repentance, late one night on your use of contraception? 

What do I do with THAT at the age of 40, with my husband having had an irreversible vasectomy six years ago! 

And I do mean irreversible. 
The Dr bragged about it. 
He had posters of China's one child policy on his wall. 
The man was PASSIONATE when he said, 'this is completely irreversible.' 
He'd worked hard to achieve that.

But me God?
What do you want me to do with this information?   
I'm overwhelmed.

I guess this started a whole lot of soul searching. How did I get into this situation in the first place? I look back to my teen years. To the monthly fainting and vomiting episodes. The subsequent missing days of school. All due to hormonal imbalances. My parents prayerfully asking God for wisdom. The Christian Dr putting me on the pill to regulate my hormones. The vomiting and fainting ceasing. Did we know then what we know now? No. That my estrogen imbalances were due to my high copper plasma levels due to Australian soil having an extremely high copper and low zinc content. Did we know that I was then unable to metabolise all dairy products and this interfered with my hormones? Did we know that I am more intolerant to gluten than a coeliac and my numerous allergies were related to this? No.

I was born broken.
We all were.

So started months of wrestling with God. Was he going to miraculously give me another baby? Why did you show me this sin? I wasn't disagreeing with Him here. I could see it as clearly as I see the dawn. His Lordship over the womb. But I couldn't see how I could have done anything differently. The information was just not there. To say we prayed and asked God for guidance is correct. My parents were praying people. They loved God dearly and sought Him daily on everything. Did God's own guidance contravene his word? How does THAT make sense?

I am grieving.
Grief for what might have been...if only we had known.

But we are not all knowing. He is. He chooses when and where and how to revel Himself and His knowledge. He chooses when we have medical breakthroughs and when we don't. Not me. Kingdom battles must first be won in the Spiritual realm, before there are gains in the physical realm.

How many years had Christains been praying for breakthroughs in this area?
Was He still Sovereign through all this?
Was He still true to His character?
Was He still within His rights to call me to repentance?

I have wept many nights over this.
Sleepless nights.
Weeping over my sin and the sin of our nation.
Our sin of omission.

The thing is, the Bible is very clear that sins of ommision - you don't know you're doing anything wrong type of sins - still have consequences, though not as significant as sins of commision - the I know it's wrong and I'll do it anyway sins. Have there been consequences for me? Yes.

I do not have a houseful of children.
I do not have another baby.
I do not have these 'Blessings' from the Lord.

But what do I have?
I have His grace.
Does it justify my sin?
Did I still need to repent?
For grace comes after repentance. His grace is sufficient for me here. For the things I can not go back and change and undo. Romans chapters 5-8 puts it one way – once I have repented of my sin, then I am no longer under God's law on this issue, I am under His grace. I die to the law on this issue and Christ fulfills the law on my behalf. Philippians 3:13 says it another. “Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal, to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”

Thank you for your Grace.
Thank you for the Cross.
Thank you for your Mercy.
Thank you for your Victory.

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